Why We Don’t Talk About Sexual Violence
If you or someone you know needs support, resources are available at the bottom of this post.
Lately, due to our political and cultural climate in the United States, I have seen an uptick in clients seeking therapy and support processing their traumatic experiences of sexual violence. Existing clients are also uncovering new layers to their trauma around feeling unheard by society and unsafe in our culture of silent dismissal of sexual violence.
I am asked “Why does no one care about sexual violence?” and I battle countertransference when answering that question, choosing self disclosure judiciously because I have the same question as a human, a woman, and as a trauma specialist.
This blog post attempts to offer some psychological perspectives on why sexual violence is so hard for people to look at, acknowledge, and communicate about. The reality of where we culturally stand in relation to sexual violence is hard to sit with even knowing these psychological perspectives.
Sometimes the only thing we can do as humans is listen to each other’s stories and be brave enough to tell them.
TRIGGER WARNING: The following content includes statistics and information related to sexual assault, rape, and sexual violence, which may be distressing or triggering for some readers. Please proceed with caution and take care of yourself.The Role of Distress Tolerance
Sexual assault is one of the most challenging topics to discuss, both for survivors and for those who wish to support them. The discomfort surrounding these conversations often comes from deeper psychological and societal factors that influence how we respond to trauma. One of these factors is the "window of tolerance," a psychological framework developed by Dr. Dan Siegel. This concept explains the range of emotional arousal within which we can function optimally. When faced with traumatic events like sexual assault, survivors can be pushed outside their window, leading to emotional dysregulation—manifesting as numbing, overwhelming emotions, or avoidance. As a result, many instinctively withdraw or avoid engaging in these difficult discussions to protect themselves from further emotional distress.
The profound sense of powerlessness that survivors feel also complicates conversations about sexual assault. Discussing these issues forces us to confront the deep power imbalances at play, which can trigger feelings of fear and helplessness. For many survivors, these intense emotions can feel unbearable, making it easier to remain silent rather than face the discomfort of sharing their experience. This avoidance serves as a protective mechanism, but it also contributes to the culture of silence surrounding sexual violence.
The Unsettlingly Real Statistics
Please Note: You may always choose to skip this section if needed to care for yourself.
According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in five women will be raped, defined as non-consensual penetration of one’s body, at some point in their lives. A much more significant proportion of women have experienced sexual assault, considering that includes any non-consensual physical contact of a sexual nature, such as touching, groping, or fondling. You’d be hard pressed to find a woman in the world who has never experienced unwanted sexual contact or at the very least verbal harassment.
Sexual assault disproportionately affects women and transgender women. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, 90% of adult rape victims are female. Additionally, a study by the Williams Institute found that transgender women experience higher rates of violent victimization, including sexual assault, compared to cisgender women. Transgender men also have higher rates of violent victimization compared to cisgender men. Cisgender men can also be victims of sexual violence and that can be incredibly isolating because it is less common and less reported; if this is you, there is a resource at the bottom of this post specifically for male victims of sexual violence.
According to the U.S. Sentencing Commission, 93.6% of sexual abuse offenders are cisgender men. While this indicates a significant prevalence of sexual violence committed by men, they do not specify the percentage of all cisgender men who are perpetrators. The closest study I found was a study by the Australian Institute of Criminology which found that one in four Australians aged 18-24 and one in five aged 18-45 admitted to committing sexually violent acts since turning 18. That is at least 20-25% of men admitting to committing sexual violence after age 18 in a country with more women’s rights than the United States.
How Gender Expectations Complicate Communication
Gender roles deeply influence how both men and women navigate the conversation around sexual assault. From a young age, men are often socialized to embody strength, stoicism, and control. The societal expectation that men should be dominant, unemotional, and always in charge can create a barrier to acknowledging or even recognizing the prevalence of sexual assault. For many men, accepting the reality of sexual assault challenges these ingrained expectations of masculinity. The idea that such violence exists in their communities can stir feelings of powerlessness, vulnerability, or guilt—emotions that run counter to traditional masculine ideals.
For men, confronting sexual assault can trigger a deep internal conflict. On one hand, they may feel compelled to protect and defend women from harm, yet on the other, they might struggle with the notion that their own gender could be complicit in a system where women are regularly victimized. This conflict often leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion. In extreme cases, it may even lead to a fear of being wrongly accused, especially in a society where men have historically been in positions of power. These fears can prompt some men to distance themselves from conversations about sexual violence altogether, either through silence or denial.
Furthermore, men often aren’t given the language and emotional tools to process and express their feelings surrounding sexual assault. Where women are sometimes socialized to be more open about their emotions and vulnerabilities, men are typically taught to suppress them. As a result, when confronted with the reality of sexual violence, many men may struggle to navigate the feelings that arise—whether it's empathy for the victim, guilt about their role in a culture of violence, or anger at the injustice of it all. This emotional suppression can make it difficult for men to engage in meaningful conversations about sexual assault, contributing to the overall silence that surrounds the issue.
The societal pressure on men to uphold certain ideals of masculinity not only affects how they view sexual assault but also how they respond to it. When men do speak out, they may be met with skepticism or ridicule if their responses are seen as too emotional or empathetic. These responses reinforce the stigma that men should remain detached, stoic, and unfeeling. Consequently, this creates a cycle where men, in particular, may feel isolated in their struggle to make sense of sexual assault and violence in society.
To break this cycle, it's essential to create spaces where men can acknowledge their feelings and engage in open conversations about sexual violence. Challenging these gender norms is key to fostering a more inclusive dialogue, where everyone can contribute to ending sexual violence and promoting healing.
Societal narratives about sexual assault also contribute to the silence. Survivors may fear that their experiences won’t be believed, or they might worry about facing stigma for coming forward. This fear amplifies feelings of shame and guilt, reinforcing the cycle of silence. The discomfort isn’t limited to survivors; family, friends, and peers may also feel unequipped to engage in these conversations, further perpetuating the silence and making it harder to address the issue.
Women are often socialized to prioritize the needs and comfort of others over their own, a behavior commonly known as "people-pleasing." From a young age, many women are taught to be nurturing, accommodating, and to avoid conflict—messages deeply ingrained through family dynamics, media, and societal expectations. This socialization can contribute significantly to both sexual violence and the avoidance of conversations about it.
In the context of sexual violence, the tendency to people-please can lead women to suppress their own boundaries in favor of others' desires or expectations. This behavior can manifest as avoiding saying "no" in situations where it’s uncomfortable or unsafe, leading to situations where they are coerced or manipulated into compliance. Additionally, women may feel pressured to minimize or dismiss their own experiences of discomfort, harassment, or even assault in order to maintain harmony or avoid confrontation. Sometimes this occurs to the point of denial not only about their own experiences, but also about the experiences of other women.
Furthermore, the ingrained habit of people-pleasing often extends to the way women respond to or talk about sexual violence. The fear of upsetting others or being judged can make it incredibly challenging to speak out about their experiences. Women might avoid sharing their stories of assault, either because they fear they won’t be believed, or they don’t want to disrupt the peace or cause discomfort to others. This avoidance contributes to the culture of silence around sexual violence, making it harder for women to find support or initiate meaningful dialogue about prevention and justice.
To break this cycle, it's important to empower women to reclaim their voices and boundaries, teaching them that their feelings and experiences are valid and deserving of respect. Encouraging open, honest conversations about consent, boundaries, and respect can help dismantle the societal pressures that promote people-pleasing behaviors and, in turn, reduce the silence and shame that often surrounds sexual violence. By creating safer spaces for women to express themselves, we can foster a culture where respect for personal boundaries is the norm, and sexual violence is confronted head-on.
Creating Room for Dialogue
Recognizing the psychological and societal dynamics at play is the first step toward creating more open and supportive conversations around sexual assault. By expanding our collective window of tolerance and creating safe spaces for these difficult discussions, we can begin to dismantle the silence and promote healing. Confronting the discomfort head-on allows us to break free from these societal barriers, enabling survivors to find support and understanding while fostering empathy and connection within our communities.
Breaking through these barriers involves addressing the deeply rooted cultural expectations of masculinity. It requires opening up spaces where men can acknowledge their emotional complexity and engage in conversations about sexual assault without fear of judgment or rejection. Only then can we foster a more inclusive dialogue, where everyone—regardless of gender—can confront the reality of sexual violence, share their experiences, and work toward meaningful change.
Opening up these conversations not only helps survivors heal but also creates a culture where sexual assault can be discussed openly, breaking down the stigma and shame that surrounds it. Together, we can work toward a future where survivors are heard, supported, and empowered.
Resources for Support
National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN)
Phone: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
Website: www.rainn.org
Description: RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) provides confidential support, including a 24/7 hotline for survivors of sexual assault.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Phone: 1-800-799-7233
Website: www.thehotline.org
Description: The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support for those experiencing domestic violence, which often overlaps with sexual violence.
The Joyful Heart Foundation
Website: www.joyfulheartfoundation.org
Description: Founded by Mariska Hargitay, the Joyful Heart Foundation offers resources, education, and support for survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence, and child abuse.
Transgender Anti-Violence Project (AVP)
Phone: 1-212-714-1184 (In NYC) or Local AVP contact
Website: www.avp.org
Description: AVP works to end violence against transgender and gender non-conforming people, including sexual violence, by offering resources and support.
1in6 (for male survivors)
Website: www.1in6.org
Description: 1in6 is dedicated to supporting men who have experienced sexual abuse or assault, offering resources, a helpline, and a support network.
LoveisRespect
Phone: 1-866-331-9474
Website: www.loveisrespect.org
Description: LoveisRespect provides support for young people dealing with dating violence, including sexual violence, and offers chat, text, and phone counseling.
